Prepare yourselves, this is going to be a depressing entry of sorts... it may also come across as a bitch fest among other things...
Lately, things have been getting worse, and worse, and RETARDED!! I honestly don't have a means of conveying my thoughts other than this blog which I'm sure no one pays the time of day to... But, again, I'm not good with putting my feelings into words so to speak...
Let's start with recent events... First on Tuesday of last week, {Nov. 8th} it was Daniel's birthday and I couldn't afford to get him anything. Then at the BP meeting, I thought Ashley was going to need to go to the hospital. She was suddenly experiencing IMMENSE pains for no apparent reason, but they THANKFULLY eventually subsided... Not sure what happened... Then I had a weird dream about my Great Uncle Ted on the Wednesday night I spent at Lee's house, only to find out on Thursday of last week {Nov. 10th} my mother called and informed me that my great uncle Ted had passed away on Daniel's birthday {November 8th}. That was very sad, and from what I understand, he had a painful death, having to be medicated just hours before he passed on... NO one should EVER have to go that way. Furthermore, mom seemed upset at this news, only to call me this previous Monday {November 14th} to inform me that she would be pulling Steven out of school and they would be going to Indiana because an aunt of Michael's passed away... A nice gesture, and ironically sad that there were two deaths in a row that they had to deal with, but the catch being that mom was going to a funeral of a person she didn't even know, and yet Ted passes away, and she couldn't even come up for the funeral {which was held on November 11th, Rememberance Day so as to remember him as a veteran of war}. This, for some reason, deeply disturbed me... Maybe I'm just retarded? Don't know...
The rest of Thursday was spent with me having the day off and not really doing much... And then it was Friday... Much of the same thing, though it was hell at work with SO MANY young kids being annoying... Asking annoying questions, you know, the works... But, it wasn't TOO bad... Throw in a bit of my worry about Dad and his continuous kidney stones and a few other things on my mind, like Lee begging me to get a place, which I feel deeply guilty about since I DID say that I'd like to have one by October, and it's now November... Stupid me, again retarded!
And then it was Saturday November 12th... Now, Saturday's house our Anime Club Meetings at High Octane Comics downtown... It was also the day that Kelly began her new job at a used bookstore called "At Second Glance Bookstore..." On her first day, she had a bookshelf fall on her... How fun and not so fun at the same time!! The meeting went pretty well, though I think we scared some girls away with the insanity, but meh, is to be expected...A lot of us headed over to the Fun Factor {Of course my place of work} and were having fun, until Cody, suddenly came off the DDR and checked his heart rate, which was calculated at around 134 BPM and that's INSANE!! He sat down for a while, and suddenly for about 20 minutes, he was out of it. His hands were shaking, his eyes were in the back of his head, he was breathing erratically, his palms were warm but his fingers were cold. Thus, Ashley called the Nurses Hotline, and they put us through to the Ambulance service. An ambulance was immediately dispatched, but by the time they got there, Cody was coherent again, and merely thought he was asleep... When we told him what had happened, he thought we were all on crack. The attendants told him that he could either go with them to the hospital willingly or by police force, and thus he went willingly, and Amber went with him. Tests were done, and he was sent home, and I picked them up at 12:30 AM and met up with Cody's dad and sister to take him home... Then, Amber and Ashley and I went to Tim Horton's and I got home around 3 AMish to find Dad up, and dealing with ANOTHER kidney stone {Oh joy}. He was stoned out of his mind, and was almost crying... It was weird to have to witness this. He began talking about how his life is a failure and how he doesn't understand why all this bad stuff is happening to him:
1)Develops Sinusitus and can't taste or smell for the past 5 years, and also, has to deal with an endless mucus problem...
2)Mom decides to leave him after meeting Michael on Yahoo Chat, and take her half of the business earnings, which helped cause the Go-Kart track to close down...
3)Mom moves to Calgary with Daniel and Steven, BUT he can still visit them... Until mom finally moves down to Massilon Ohio, and now she and Steven can't come back up here until ALL of the paperwork is filled out, which is bullshit because Steven should have been allowed to come out for Christmas
4)Lawyers might need to be involved...oh joy again.
5)He was in an accident that day...
...Wait a minute...
Yes, apparently had thought he killed some woman who was driving in his blind spot, and when he went to make a lane change, he watched as a car spun around the truck, almost like a dance, and hit the center cement median, coming to rest behind the truck... Luckily, no one was seriously injured at all, though the car was a write off and the woman was pulling a "Dukes of Hazzard" by going in and out of her car via the window, since the doors were now jammed, pulling her stuff out of the wreckage... The Truck sustained a broken battery which leaked acid ALL over the highway...
So, dad figured he would lose his job {which, thankfully he didn't} and we thought that was that...
Until this morning when I awoke to white shit ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE and then had to drive dad up to IRL to get his truck... IRL IS HIGHER ON THE HILL THAN COSTCO AND I NEARLY SHAT MYSELF... Luckily, dad drove UP there, but then I had to work the morning shift and had to find my way back down, which was scary and I was nearly in tears. There's NOTHING I hate more than winter driving...NOTHING!! But, now the roads aren't TOO bad... I then get a call from dad later on telling me he's back in the hospital AGAIN with, yes, you guessed it, ANOTHER KIDNEY STONE!! Joy of joys... SO he's stoned again... Now, on top of that, the god damned BC Medical Service is being retarded by sending me a $216 per month bill for no apparent reason. Thus I feel I should just ignore it and it will go away... You know, the general way you should ignore other minor annoyances, but Lee feels I should phone them and let them know what's going on so that I don't have to pay it... Well, I COULD do that, but seeing as that I'd get some dumbfuck in a call centre who hates people because all they do is call in a bitch about shit, they won't do ANYTHING except piss me off and call me down. I am not smart enough to present my case to the person on the other end to make them understand... So, I'm going to be screwed one way or another... In fact, with the luck of the Androsoff's SO FAR, I'll probably end up having to pay MORE... AND then Lee has also seemed to have started a campaign to get me to move in with him... If I did that RIGHT NOW, My dad would probably die... He'd either kill himself with grief, or give up on everything... He has already given up on life... My being here seems to be one of the only things helping him... I'm not saying that to float my boat... far from it, I'm just REALLY worried about him. If I moved out, I KNOW he'd sell this place, and live in his truck... He'd push himself too far one day, and could effectively get hurt, or hurt someone else...
AND THEN there's Daniel... Daniel called me the other day to bitch because the Alberta government is bitching at him for "MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY" so he has to pay them like $200 something monthly now... and thus he needs money... I OWE HIM BIG TIME, and I can't afford anything right now, so I'm screwed there as well. I may as well just cease existing as it would probably solve MANY problems... I don't mean kill myself, I mean just cease existing... I don't consider myself to be 'real' as it were anyways. I'm a figment of my own imagination... All I seem to do is inflict pain and suffering on people's lives whom I enter... I started the anime club, and now these people involved are getting hurt... I was born to my mom and dad, and that set off a chain of events that led to breaking them up and dad getting sick... I entered Lee's life and seem to have now destroyed it, since without being able to move in with him, he'll have to give up on schooling or go to part time and have to try and live off that... It's just not fair to him... If I were 2 people, maybe I could live with him AND dad, but since that's not going to happen...
MANY of the anime club members are having minor or major conflicts amongst eachother too... Now, some of them have known eachother for years, and since being in the club and partaking in events {like the AE trip this August and the Halloween Party, and even the Animensity planning}, have become upset with eachother, and moving apart... Again, who's the catalyst of all this? Me...
I also keep building up people's belief that we can pull off our convention plans... Given the evidence of everything thus far, it's HIGHLY doubtful... I should just step down... Perhaps move away to an island somewhere and just not exist in main stream society... I don't fit in there... I don't know if I fit in anywhere... Another factor in it all comes in the fact that I'm gay... If my dad ever found out, that would be the ULTIMATE death sentence... He has such a HATRED of gay people, that if he found out his own son was gay... his pillar to stand on so to speak... it would kill him... I often think about my grandmother too, and how she wanted to be alive to see me walk down the isle at my wedding... That's never going to happen... And even if she were alive today, it STILL wouldn't happen... at least not in the conventional sense that I'm sure she imagined...
And now, I'm seemingly stressed, and writing this entry as a sort of means to vent and pour out my heart and soul at the same time... I know it's cheesy, but it's not like anyone comes here as it is... Life is a very complicated thing... I don't know if I can handle it myself, but there's always gotta be a light... Just not in the Androsoff family so it seems... Call it a curse, call it what you will...maybe paranoia? One way or another, I have to find a solution... I can't stand to watch my family and friends suffer... But what can I do? If I'm the reason for this problem, I could leave, but that would cause many, MANY other problems... I'm so lost, but then again, isn't EVERYONE?
If anyone is reading this, I thank you for putting up with my stupidity... Again, I'm really confused right now, and upset about many things... I just hope that SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...
~Jeremy~
